The Macedonian Tendency: Matthew Nimetz R.I.P - .June 17, 2039

Monday, January 02, 2012

Matthew Nimetz R.I.P - .June 17, 2039

By David Edenden
June 18, 2039

Matthew Nimetz passed away, yesterday, on his 100th birthday. He went peacefully while taking a cab to a meeting between the Greek and Macedonian governments to settle the long standing "name" dispute. Nimetz died doing what he loved best, trying to bring peace and understanding to the people of the Balkans.

Matthew Nimetz

Nimetz took over from Cyrus Vance on December 21, 1999. Mr Vance resigned for personal reasons and was not, contrary to rumors, hospitalized in the psychiatric ward of Walter Reed Hospital muttering "I am going to get those motherf@#kers if its the last thing I do".

Rumors abounded that, once the dispute was settled, Nimetz would automatically be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, which unfortunately, due to a series of bad investments in American securities market by the Nobel Committee, is now only worth $99.00 (Canadian) or $69.00 (US).

Mathew Nimitz, (no relation) who has been Matthew Nimetz's assistant for the past 5 years, will be taking over as mediator, providing a seamless transition.

Negotiations had been suspended for the last three years, so that archaeologists could decipher the meaning of ancient graffiti found on the ruins, of what appeared to be an ancient 1st century restaurant near the Greek border with Macedonia.

Graffiti: "Macedonians are from Mars, (God of War), while Greeks are from Uranus, (Father of the Titans)!"

Scholars are perplexed.

Over the years, Nimetz was strangely silent on the mistreatment of Greece's ethnic Macedonian minority. Greece continues to harass members of the 50,000 strong ethnic Macedonian community. The leader of its Vinozhito (Rainbow) Political Party has been arrested for printing on its campaign literature that feta cheese was invented by the ethnic Macedonians and they have some 5th century stinking feta cheese to prove it.

Matthew Nimetz will be missed by all those who value senseless and needless negotiations between a more powerful country (Greece) that wants to "wipe off the face of the map" another smaller country (Macedonia) all under the fond gaze of the EU and NATO.

1 comment:

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